My angel, we are more than bodies
Khaleesi has passed. I'm not much in the mood right now to do my usual blog formatting. I have written so much more about her in all her loveliness, but I just want to let it breathe, and let all the things wracking in my brain get into order (and this is not a lie the way I usually lie about planned writing. I really do have something). This is all I've got for now. Death is odd to watch with one's own eyes. I think I write the following because I felt the slightest grasping of what life/being "is" when I watched her pass. Like, the teensiest glimpse. I didn't see the "whole thing", the glimpse I got was so obscure, so I'm not asserting anything as truth. But I was moved. I am as sad as I am sorta in awe.
Something caught onto you as it does everyone else. Its size was infinitesimal and not quantifiable, your morsel. It rode through the small entryway of your being and filled it, made you whole. Your morsel and your body lived together, in independence or symbiosis or whatever other dynamic, I have no clue. That morsel of you enlivened everything. Every single day I spent with you was cherished due to the work of that teeny morsel. You came as this one unit, consisting of morsel and body. Now you're left here as a body.
I witnessed the entire process of your passing, and even with the agenda laid out, time fell away from me. Once the final shot of euthanasia was delivered, it was like blowing a wish on a dandelion, and that morsel was a collection of seeds dispersed away from your body. The unit's been fractured, your morsel was agonized by the cancer your body endured. You're a sweetheart who deserves to no longer suffer.
When I petted you as a corpse, I was obviously met with the same soft and furry texture, but it lacked that essence carried by your morsel and the touch felt so unfamiliar. The warmth had drained, the rhythm gone. What once pulsed beneath your fur, what once leaned into my hand with its own will, was now still. I realized then that the body is only half of presence. The rest is something I cannot name. Morsel, spark, whatever word is desperate enough to try to embody something that can rarely be contained yet we wrestle each day in our bodies.
It is bewildering to see that absence so clearly. To know that moments before you were here, stretching, struggling, still yourself, and then with a breath’s passing you became a shape emptied of you.
I already miss you more than anything in the world, grief hangs in each corner of the house, yet it brings me joy to know you're no longer in pain. I will always love and adore you, my beautiful angel.
Here's a picture of my goofy goofy lovie. We rarely ever put my dogs in their crates, but, for whatever reason, Khaleesi loved hers:
MY CUDDLEBUG!!!!! <333 MY BABY!! MY GIRL!! I MISS YOU STINKIEY POOPIEY DOODOO!!!! I love you more than words can ever ever Ever say🥹