Soft Beast and other blurbs
“Death is our friend, precisely because it brings us into absolute and passionate presence with all that is here, that is natural, that is love.” -Rainer Maria Rilke
So it’s been a bit since Khaleesi’s passing. I’ve been letting this sit long enough. The following isn’t formatted to the most refined degree, but I leave it like this sorta intentionally, like kinda as a “grief is messy” sorta vibe. I wrote majority of it right after her death as I was trying to figure out what my life would look like without her. It was painful for weeks. Here, I really just wanted to speak more on what her being in my life meant to me and also on the loss of her. If the words don’t come out perfectly clear, that’s alright, this makes sense to me and how I cope.
The renovations are done, and I’m sure the tile would’ve kept her cool when the summers would’ve gotten to hot or how our newly installed fireplace would’ve provided her warmth as she intently watched us eat.
As far as processing the grief, I’m doing truly my best and I think it shows. I think a good part of my distress and sadness was profoundly present when she was alive and being alive costed her constant ache. I hated knowing how much she suffered. I find so much solace in acknowledging that her death released her from all her suffering and pain. She’s my best friend, and I wouldn’t want any best friend of mine to suffer as much as she did. There are inevitable moments where absence can cut through the moment so sharply and I can’t help but let the emotions and longing overtake me, but that speaks to how much love there was between the two of us. Just because she “was my pet” and not a human does not reduce my relation to her. With pets, you experience a bond and kinship that negates the anthropocentric view of dividing man and animal. That connection—that love—the kind that transcends language, is the work of something divine:”)
Also just wanted to mention 2 related Khaleesi occurrences: 1) had a dream involving her and I won’t get into specifics since it’s really not significant but I remember I was relentlessly petting her yet acknowledging to those around me that she actually isn’t with me anymore so this isn’t possible for me. Then, a girl put her hand on my shoulder and told me “You need to let go”. I responded that I haven’t felt her fur in so long and it’s still so soft. Like somehow in the dream, the feeling of her fur is like laminated in my mind and I could almost sense it on my fingers. 2) I saw a video of a really obese pig being hosed down and the waters pressure was enough to overpower the pig and get it to lay on its side and it reminded me of Leesi and how she laid and it made me tear up. Please form that image in your head rn: me staring at my screen and tearing up over a video of a fat pig.
I miss my best friend so much, but I know she’s resting easy:”)🫶 Our friendship is lifelong!!
🎼Forevermore my Leesi, pt 2🎶: Bed Side Manner by Melaina Kol
“When you finally go Does it hurt your body, will you feel it slip? Will you hear that bag as it drops and zips? Are you by yourself, or is there something else? And where can I see you again? Outside where the wild things are, who will be your guide?”
my angel by Adrienne Lenker Radioactive Dreams by Chat Pile ft. Hayden Pedigo Pink Mask by A.G. Cook Blue Vein by Lael Neale Two riders down by caroline